Make new friends but keep the old…
I am blessed with a lot of wonderful friends and a few very close, very “best” friends, but a tweet from my good friend Vanessa (@inevergrewup) got me thinking. Here’s what Vanessa sent out via Twitter:
“When do you know it’s time to let certain relationships go? (don’t worry not my hubby!)”
After I made sure she wasn’t talking about me (whew!), I thought back to a few times in my life when a friendship has felt one-sided. One of those where you do all the calling/planning/inviting (i.e., work), which can get old rather quickly (though often not quickly enough).
So when it comes to a relationship with a good friend, how do you know it’s time to cut ties and move on? (Don’t worry, if you’re reading this post there’s a 99.9% chance it’s not you.) Of course you have the obvious signs like continuous bickering, unkindness, hurtful words and actions. But what about a relationship that is wonderful when you two are together or chatting on the phone, yet those times are occurring less often as the months (and years) go by?
Oh, and I forgot to mention you are the one working to maintain the friendship because you love the other person dearly and just can’t seem to throw in the towel. You know she loves you dearly as well, but you make the multiple phone calls and leave multiple messages “hoping she’s doing well and when can you two get together.” When she finally does call she is sincerely apologetic for not calling sooner and you know she’s sincere and you also know her life is crazy and like a few of your friends, she tends to “unplug” when things get nuts. (Admittedly it’s something hard to relate to because you tend to make more calls when life is crazy—for the sympathy and moral support of course—and you can’t understand why someone can’t chat on the phone while emptying the dishwasher or folding laundry.)
For the longest time you tell yourself to stop calling. Stop making the effort. But it’s so dang hard when she’s one of your closest friends…and yet, is she? It’s like the boyfriend you can’t break up with because when it’s good it’s really, really good but more often than not it’s really, really lame.
And the lameness has to stop. And Friday was the day. Finally.
I’ve had a birthday present for the aforementioned friend for weeks. (Her birthday was over a month ago and even with my “let’s get together!” messages she never called.) Thursday night I wrapped the rather oversized package, knowing it wouldn’t be cheap to ship even though she lives a half hour away, and took it to the local Help-U-Mail Friday morning. Yesterday she should have found a package from UPS on her doorstep. Inside it was two belated birthday gifts, one for her and one for her daughter. (Her daughter, one of my daughter’s dearest friends, had a birthday last month…I’m hoping the reason we didn’t hear anything is because she didn’t have a party.) She won’t find any lengthy handwritten notes, only a simple “Happy Belated Birthday…Love, Em.”
She will probably (maybe? hopefully?) call, and I will definitely answer. That’s what friends do. But I can no longer waste my time, energy and cell phone minutes trying to keep this friendship going, especially when all it does is make me sad to do so.
You can read more about the inspiration for this site 
Oh, Emily, I can write VOLUMES about this subject. I actually broke up with a friend of 8 years, about 2 years ago. And I am a very, very loyal friend. It was difficult for me. But it wasn’t just one sided. It became toxic. And when I realized I had to work harder at my friendship with her, than my marriage, I realized I had to let her go.
I saw her at a baby shower, in February, that I threw for a mutual friend, and I wondered if after time had passed, if that would make me want to reach out to her again. And it didn’t. We talked and I was friendly to her, but I realized that she was still the same.
I have another friend who I have been friends with for a very, very long time. And it is always one sided. So I will not contact her, and then I feel guilty, and then I inevitably give in and contact her again. It’s really really frustrating. Tomorrow is my birthday. I’m curious to see if she even contacts me then.
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Emily Reply:
May 11th, 2010 at 8:42 am
Kristina, I should probably read your volumes. The last part of your comment is exactly what I was going through…not calling then feeling guilty and then calling (quite a few times) and then not calling. It was a vicious cycle. I hope your friend pulls through and calls you!
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY (one day early, but I win, right?)! :)
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I have a sister who’s like that. So in order to make my point I stopped calling her. My husband and I talked about it and we realized I was just hurting myself by not calling. I had to come to the realization that if I wanted a relationship with her then I’d have to accept it the way it was.
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Emily Reply:
May 11th, 2010 at 10:37 am
Tamara, I imagine it’s even harder when it’s a close relative like a sister. Great insight about accepting the relationship as is if you want a relationship at all. I will have to keep that in mind!
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That’s when you know it is time to let go: when the negative outweighs the positive.
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Ahh this is so hard for me, I still don’t know what to do!!! Its hard to break up friends :(
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Thoughtful piece, Emily. I find that my pain over ended friendships rivals (and maybe even equals) the pain over ended relationships. I deeply appreciate my long-distance friendships, those with little judgment about time lapses and evenness of exchanges (like ours, I hope!), but close-to-home friendships are so vital to daily life that a lack of reciprocation just can’t go on for very long. The best we can do is to wish all those lost friends the best in their lives, and move on with our own.
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Emily Reply:
May 11th, 2010 at 1:42 pm
Kelly, my dear, dear high-school friend. Of course is is one of those enduring long-distance, “running home to borrow a pair of jeans during lunchtime” relationships that will last. And I agree, ended friendships are right up there with ended relationships. You were spot on when you referred to close-to-home friendships. That is exactly what this one is and all the more difficult!
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I had to break up with every friend in my life at one point. And it literally saved my life. Without the toxic relationships I was able to let go of my past and move on. I could also write volumes but since this isn’t a Danielle Steele novel I will save it for an IRL conversation.
You are doing the right thing. You will feel free to focus more on the relationships that really matter in your life.
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Emily Reply:
May 11th, 2010 at 3:59 pm
I’m so glad you did, Steph! I like your life and glad those breakups saved it. Can’t wait for that next IRL convo. Do I hear another Chick-fil-A playdate?
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Emily – I too can relate and it’s so hard. My best friend for years just slowly went away, and I tried, but realized that I couldn’t keep it up any longer. It was probably meant to be I guess. I wish you the best coming to terms with this sad change in your life.
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Emily Reply:
May 11th, 2010 at 8:46 pm
Kami, it is SO hard. :(
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It is sad to say that I have had way to many friends go…but the one constant is always my hubs and kiddos! ;)
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This is SUCH a painful, tough thing. However, I think it’s definitely best in the long run to let go when things aren’t mutual… especially if it’s causing you stress and pain. (((Hugs!!)))
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